


Tadashi, What Was That Post About?

by Kyuhaii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressing, M/M, Self Harm, Tsukki loves Yamaguchi, based of the post haikyufb made, degrading thoughts, depressed Yamaguchi, i love them really I do, insecure, sad yamaguchi, someone help yamaguchi, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8728063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyuhaii/pseuds/Kyuhaii
Summary: Yamaguchi Tadashi is depressed, and all he wanted was for the pain to stop. orA self-indulgent fanfic I wrote based on haikyufb @instagram's tsukkiyama post. (Posted with permission to base the fanfic off her edit)





	

He was very good at this, Yamaguchi decided. But then again, maybe it's just that nobody cared. Yamaguchi amused himself with such thoughts as he waited for Tsukishima to arrive. He glanced up at the sky, stuffing his hands into his pants pocket, sighing.   
The sky was really cloudy today, maybe he should've brought an umbrella just in case. He cracked his neck. He would just have to deal with whatever Mother Nature had in store for him, like how he would have to deal with whatever the day decided to throw at him.   
He looked up at the sound of footsteps, mouth lifting upwards into a smile as he spotted Tsukishima walking towards him, headphones over his ears. Lifting an arm, Yamaguchi waved excitedly at the taller, who merely nodded his head and slipped his headphones off.   
"Good morning, Tsukki!" He greeted excitedly, immediately walking beside Tsukishima as the taller boy kept walking. Tsukishima side-eyed him, smiling slightly.   
"Good morning, Yamaguchi."  
The walk to school was pleasant, as was all their other walks to school. Yamaguchi ran his mouth, telling Tsukishima about the cooking show he had watched the night before, with the taller boy grunting here and then to show that he was listening. During little moments, Yamaguchi side-eyed his best friend, smile on his face widening with just how much he loved him.   
The taller boy was, contrary to other's beliefs, very caring, even if only to him. It was in the small things he did that Yamaguchi could clearly see it.   
The way he slipped his headphones off so that he could listen to Yamaguchi, the way that he stayed back after practice and watch Yamaguchi do his work, in case Yamaguchi had any questions to ask him. There was also the way he walked slower whenever Yamaguchi was around him, so that Yamaguchi wouldn't have to walk too fast. And it was especially way he smiled at Yamaguchi during the times they were together, a smile so beautiful and precious that Yamaguchi selfishly wished that he would be the only one to ever see it.   
Yes, Yamaguchi knew that Tsukishima cared for him, very much so. But at the same time, he was convinced that he didn't deserve it, that Tsukishima's care was better off being being showered onto someone else.   
However, like the selfish jerk he thought himself to be, he couldn't help himself from holding on tightly to their friendship, never wanting to let go. 

-

Practice. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that Yamaguchi had been dreading it since the day before's had ended. No, not at all, because he found out that it was during the moments of practicing where his thoughts were prone to creeping up on him. Definitely not as much as they would if he were alone, but enough for him to want to throw something and scream.   
Thoughts that highlighted his insecurities to him. Thoughts that laid his mistakes bare onto the table, giving him a clear view of what he was doing wrong, what he could have done better, and how he wasn't good enough.   
Despite this, Yamaguchi forced himself to change into his volleyball clothes after shaking the thought of feigning illness and skipping morning practice out of his head. Yamaguchi wanted to become better. He wanted to be able to stand on court as a player valued more than a pinch server. He wanted to be someone who people would watch and think: wow, look at him play!   
He wanted to be like Tsukishima. Heck, he wouldn't even mind being like Hinata. He wanted to play.   
Yamaguchi really wanted that, but now, the image he had was something he didn't believe he could achieve.   
He breathed in deeply, stepping out of the club room and nearly bumping into Tsukishima as he did so. He blinked for a moment, before bringing a hand up to the back of his head; a habit he had come to pick up when he was embarrassed.   
"Gomen, Tsukki," he laughed, smiling as Tsukishima tsked, but said nothing more as he handed Yamaguchi his water bottle.   
"Ah- thank you, Tsukki!" He exclaimed, sending a bright smile towards his best friend. He saw Tsukishima nod his head, the subtle blush that always appeared when he was embarrassed dusting his cheeks.   
Yamaguchi bit his cheek to stop himself from grinning like a fool, gathering around Daichi when the captain raised his arm.   
His good mood didn't last long, however, as they were soon put into separate groups to practice. The regular members who were practicing their combinations, whatever they were, and then there was the group he was in.   
He didn't dislike the members of his group, not at all. It was just what the players around him symbolised. He was with Ennoshita, Narita and and Kinoshita-senpai. Together with him, they made the 'replacement players', as Yamaguchi liked to call them in his mind.   
They normally practiced whatever they needed to work most on. They didn't practice with the regular members, for it was unlikely that either of them would ever be put into a match. So, they polished up their own weaknesses and hoped for the best. For him, he personally needed to work on everything.   
Bouncing the ball on the floor a few times, he caught it as he glanced towards the other team, where Tsukishima was practicing blocking against Hinata and Kageyama, smirking every time he stopped their attack.   
Yamaguchi smiled bittersweetly. He honestly felt left out, being the only first year that didn't make it into the regular team. It was like a confirmation in their differences in skill. But then again, he hadn't earned the right to stand on the same court as them, after all.   
"Yamaguchi, you okay?" Ennoshita asked as he walked towards the green-head, noticing that he seemed deep in thought. Yamaguchi snapped out of his trance, smiling sheepishly.   
"Yeah, just looking, is all..." he trailed off, eyes moving to Suga as he practiced tossing to Daichi. He felt at awe when the normally receiving captain spiked cleanly, showing their three years of hard work and dedication. He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped a little, before calming down when he realised it was Kinoshita.   
"You want to play with them, don't you?" He asked, a glazed look in his eyes as he watched Tanaka and Nishinoya practice receive.   
Ah, Yamaguchi thought. He wasn't the only one that wanted to play. The other second years should be feeling it more than him and yet... he seemed to be the only one reacting so strongly.   
Yamaguchi nodded slowly, and he felt Kinoshita pat him encouragingly before leaving to practice on his own.   
"You will play with them one day as a regular, I'm sure of it," Ennoshita said, giving Yamaguchi a smile before walking away. Yamaguchi stared at the other team a bit more, before sighing and walking towards Narita to practice receives. He swallowed the lump that had settled in his throat.   
Ennoshita may think that Yamaguchi stood a chance, but he himself certainly didn't think so. He didn't stand a chance, not when he was so weak. 

-

Yamaguchi stared out the window, tapping his pen on the table lightly. He filtered out the teacher's words, figuring he could just ask Tsukishima for help if he needed it anyways. He could always count on him.   
Yamaguchi closed his eyes. He knew that what he was going to do wasn't wise. He had done it many times before, after all. Yet, he couldn't help it. He needed to know, he needed to feel just how much he had messed up.   
Guess he was a masochist.   
Slowly, like a tape, he rewinded his memories over and over, taking note of the clumsy receives he made and the serve he fumbled in the morning. He should be able to do at least the basics and yet, he couldn't. If he couldn't get the mere basics right, how was he going to stand on court without a special weapon he could yield like Hinata with his speed and ability to match Kageyama's toss. Could he really expect himself to play with his team if he couldn't even do anything right?  
He tsked, grip on his pen tightening.   
He was going to have to find Shimada-sensei and ask for his help again sometime soon. Yamaguchi hated to think that he was troubling the ex-Karasuno player, but there was really no way else for him to get better.  
Even if he didn't seem to be making any improvements himself, which would mean that really, all he was doing was inconveniencing Shimada-sensei, but-  
Yamaguchi was forced out of his thoughts by a pen prodding his shoulder. He startled a bit, before turning and tilting his head in question at Tsukishima.   
"You okay?" Tsukishima asked, brows furrowed as he looked concernedly at Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi smiled, bringing his hand up as his fingers formed a peace sign.   
"I'm totally fine, Tsukki!" He whisper-shouted, even changing the sign to a mock salute. Tsukishima rolled his eyes playfully, before looking back to the front where the teacher was explaining something that sounded like a bunch of nonsense to Yamaguchi.   
He sighed, resting his chin on his hand as he closed his eyes, hoping to get a bit of rest. There really wasn't any point in following the class now, so he might as well get some sleep. 

-

Yamaguchi felt his stomach coil as he stared at the paper in his hands, grip on it so tight he almost crumpled it.   
He couldn't really believe it, honestly. It wasn't that Yamaguchi was cocky or anything. Absolutely not. It was just that... He liked math. He liked math and yet...  
A 10/50. 15 marks away from the damn passing grade. Yamaguchi was used to getting 35-40, he didn't understand-  
That was a lie. Of course Yamaguchi understood. He wasn't good enough, stable enough to balance out both volleyball and his academics. If only he was better, if only he had more self-control...  
Even though he didn't want to, he would always, always find himself replaying scenes from volleyball practice in the morning and he just couldn't concentrate during class. It was painful, knowing that he could have avoided such a situation if only he had been more capable. Yamaguchi snuck a glance at Tsukishima's paper and smiled happily for him.   
A 50/50, as expected from Tsukishima.   
"Yamaguchi, you?" Tsukishima asked, and Yamaguchi froze. He hesitated, and it didn't pass Tsukishima's eyes. He frowned. Normally, Yamaguchi would have no qualms about showing his paper to him.   
"G-gomen, Tsukki. I didn't do well this time," Yamaguchi stuttered. With shaky hands, he passed his paper to Tsukishima who looked at it with an indifferent face.   
"Study in the club room later?" Tsukishima asked. Yamaguchi's eyes widened, sparkling. There it was, the subtle care in his actions for Yamaguchi.   
"Okay, Tsukki!"

-

"Yamaguchi, you're not eating?" Tsukishima frowned as Yamaguchi sat beside him and merely watched him eat. Yamaguchi's eyes widened slightly, before he looked away. He was still not used to Tsukishima showing care to him, and at times it took him by surprise.   
"I'm not hungry, I ate a huge breakfast this morning!" Yamaguchi exclaimed, praying that the smile on his face didn't seem fake. If Yamaguchi were to be honest, he couldn't actually remember the last time he had had a good appetite.   
He had thought it was normal until recently, when his appetite spiralled to an all new low and somehow, the thought of food just really, really disgusted him. He wasn't sure why, exactly. All he knew was that the food would sit in his stomach, threatening to come out whenever he was placed in a scary situation or anything of the sort.   
Tsukishima looked at him, eyes seeming to look into Yamaguchi's soul before he nodded, going back to eating. Yamaguchi relaxed in relief and leaned back against the tree they were sitting under.   
"You know, they really shouldn't have practice in the morning," Yamaguchi sighed, fingers plucking at the grass beneath him. 'For my own sanity', he added in his mind.   
Tsukishima grunted to show that he heard him, and Yamaguchi smiled. Always so considerate.   
"My body is always so sore after normal practices that it doesn't even feel ready for getting out of bed when morning practices start," he continued, looking up as a particularly strong gust of wind sent leaves falling. He knew that if volleyball had a body, it would be scolding him for lying. It's because wasn't really volleyball's fault. It was his own fault for being so down on athletic abilities.   
Tsukishima grunted once more.   
"They should give us a break from morning practices now and then," he finished. 'For my damn needed sanity'.   
Yamaguchi looked towards Tsukishima when the blonde didn't acknowledge his words, and smirked sadly when he saw the blonde looking at the leaves swirling above them, seemingly mesmerised.   
Of course Tsukishima wouldn't want to listen to him whine when they were other more interesting things for him to focus on, like the sight shown only to them. It was beautiful, Yamaguchi bought, unlike myself.   
Breathing in, Yamaguchi pasted a smile on his face as he made a big show of slinging an arm over Tsukishima's neck, eyes twinkling. 

-

Yamaguchi found himself alone in the changing rooms, after waiting around for the others to finish. It was a routine, something he had resigned himself to because there was no other choice. The others had just taken it as Yamaguchi being shy about his body, which would actually be a nice way of phrasing his gnawing insecurity.   
He caught sight of himself in the mirror and sighed, walking up towards it. He let his fingers play with the hem of his shirt, before swiftly taking it off. He studied himself in the mirror, fingers slowly tracing the lines on the skin of his stomach, itching to also touch the ones on his thighs. To his twisted mind, they looked beautiful, mostly because he found himself deserving of them.   
Some were simply scars, only noticeable because of its difference in colour and nothing else. It held no pain when he touched it, not even a hint of the pain it had given him when he made it.   
And then there were the others, that sunk a little into his skin and hurt if he so much as brushed his finger against it. They were red. Such an angry colour.   
Self-harm.  
In his mind, he knew that it wasn't he right thing to do. He knew it was unhealthy, knew that society looked down on the act of it. He knew that by engaging in it, people would think he was an attention seeker if they found out about it. He knew that what he was doing was shameful, that it separated himself even more from the society he wanted to fit in with.   
But he couldn't stop, and it made him feel just that much more pathetic inside.   
He stared for a little longer, a thought flashing in his mind.   
'What's the harm in doing so, when my skin is already ugly enough?'   
He let his eyes wander, noting all the freckles that he had for so long, wished would just disappear.   
These freckles... they had brought him so much pain. Before Tsukishima had come around, the bullies just wouldn't stop pestering him. They shoved him, kicked him, yelled things at him that he shouldn't have to hear at his age. Even now, he knew that people commented on it behind his back; how it wasn't normal or pretty. How is was disturbing. Yamaguchi hated the attention.   
The freckles were like dirt fused into his skin, one with him as if to remind him of just how worthless he was; like dirt under a person's feet. He was probably worse than that, though.   
He felt what he was doing before he actually registered it, and even when he had, he didn't stop himself.   
He dug his nails into the skin of his stomach, avoiding his cuts as he scratched, and scratched, and scratched, desperately trying to get the freckles off, even though he knew three experience that it wouldn't make a difference.   
Yet he continued because he wanted -no, needed- the freckles off. He needed them off so he could look into the mirror and find one less fucking thing about himself to hate. He needed-  
A knock, followed by another two.   
"Yamaguchi, you ready? Ukai-san is asking for you so we can begin." It was Tsukishima's voice, cold like normal, but with a hint of worry.   
Yamaguchi squeaked, hurriedly changing into his volleyball attire, wiping the tears that he didn't realise he had been producing.   
"Gomen, Tsukki!" He exclaimed as he opened the door, hair sticking up in all directions due to changing in such a rush.   
Tsukishima eyed him, before bending down and rubbing his thumb across Yamaguchi's cheek.   
Yamaguchi swore his heart skipped a beat. He immediately chided himself. To think about his best friend in such a manner... disgusting.   
"Have you been crying?" Tsukishima asked, and Yamaguchi could only assume that there were dried tear tracks that he missed.   
He wiped at his face a few more times, frowning in what he hoped he could pass off as confusion before shrugging.   
"Must've been during class. I probably yawned too much," Yamaguchi said nonchalantly, before grabbing Tsukishima's hand and dragging him towards the court without giving him time to say anything else.   
"Oi, slow down a little," Tsukishima grumbled, though there wasn't actual spite in his voice. Yamaguchi felt a smile form on his face.   
"Gomen, Tsukki!"

"Yamaguchi, your hair!" (via Hinata, of course)

-

Yamaguchi panted, hands on his knees as he tried to regain his breath. He made an aggravated sound as Kinoshita moved his arms around, signalling an 'out'.   
"You should try to relax more, so that you can serve better and then we can have your super serves in our games," Coach Ukai said, slapping him encouragingly on the back before sounding the whistle, signalling the end of practice.   
Yamaguchi stared at the ball on the floor, cursing inwardly. Whether Coach Ukai had one or not, Yamaguchi had caught the underlying message in his words.   
At the moment, he was useless to the team. He was... useless, because he was him.   
He fought back the tears when he saw Tsukishima walking towards him, throwing a bottle. Yamaguchi brought up his hand, fumbling with the bottle slightly before gripping it comfortably.   
"Thanks, Tsukki!" He uncapped the bottle and brought it to his lips, downing the water in large gulps. He watched the water level decrease, and he vaguely wondered if this sadness he felt would ever leave his life the same way. If only this feeling would wash out of him, how much lighter would he feel? How much happier, how much freer.   
"You okay?" Tsukishima asked, and Yamaguchi blinked.   
"You've asked that a lot today," Yamaguchi joked.   
"W-well you just seem really- nevermind, hurry up, we have to go study." Yamaguchi sighed.   
"Gomen, Tsukki."  
"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

-

Yamaguchi found himself dragging his feet home. Tsukishima and him had parted ways, with the usual 'Goodnight, Tsukki!' and Tsukishima's usual 'Yeah, see you tomorrow'.  
Finally alone, Yamaguchi dropped even the slightest hint of a smile from his face. His cheeks felt sore after holding up his fake smiles for so long. He clenched his fists. They were shaking.   
He thought back to what Tsukishima said to him when they were studying with the rest. Tsukishima probably didn't even mean it in a bad way. He probably meant it in a friendly, joking manner. Yet... why did Yamaguchi's heart hurt so much? Why... why couldn't he be a perfect friend for Tsukishima?  
'Yamaguchi stop whining, you should've listened in class if you actually wanted to go home early.'  
It wasn't even relatively mean, but Yamaguchi was Yamaguchi for a reason: he overthought.   
'He's probably saying that it's my fault, and I shouldn't have dragged him into it,' Yamaguchi thought dejectedly. He walked towards his house, noticing that the lights were on and glanced up sharply. He groaned.   
His parents were supposed to have left on a business trip, so why were they still here?  
"I'm back," Yamaguchi called out when he closed the door behind him, and he frowned sadly when nobody answered. His parents never really took notice of him, never really cared about what happened to him. It didn't matter whether he made it back home safely, and it probably wouldn't matter if he came back all beat up with a knife in his stomach. The only thing they cared about when it concerned him, was his grades.   
He walked to the living room and saw his father's outstretched hand, and he swallowed thickly. He knew what it meant. His parents were surprisingly well informed on when he got back his tests. Without a word, he dropped his bag to the floor and took out his test paper, now filled with corrections that Tsukishima had helped him with.   
He really, really didn't want to have his father see his marks, and the feeling only doubled as his mother appeared from her workroom to see his paper too. This pause made his father glance up at him with narrowed eyes, reaching out and snatching the paper from Yamaguchi's trembling hands.   
He immediately looked down at his father's annoyed sound, not looking up even when he saw his father's feet in his vision. And then, the only thing he could register was the sharp stinging pain in his cheek, and the angry, disappointed words his father was throwing at him.   
"-unbelievable! How do you manage to fail the subject you were supposedly best in? Do you really wish to bring down the Yamaguchi name that much? Your mother and I work until we are dead tired and you can't even find it in yourself to do well on one test?! And look, these corrections were done with Tsukishima's help, weren't they? Honestly, when will you stop burdening the boy?"  
Yamaguchi's breath hitched, and he looked up just in time to catch the rest paper that was being flung at him. He watched as his parents sighed, shaking their heads.   
His heart plummeted. He was useless. He couldn't even score well and make his parents happy. Why, why wasn't he smart enough to do well? Why did he keep tainting his family name the way he did?  
He watched as they stood up, putting on their business uniforms and grabbing their luggages.   
"Honestly Tadashi, we expected better from you. We even stayed longer in order to see your marks. What a disappointment," his mother remarked as she walked out the door, the sound of her heels clicking against the ground. His father turned around at the door, grumbling.   
"Money is at the usual place," was all he said, before he slammed the door and Yamaguchi was alone. He stood there for a few moments, listening as the car started off and the sound of the car became distant.   
He let out a shuddering breath, picking his bag from the floor and walking up the stairs slowly, not bothering to lock the front door. He closed his room door behind him, and slid down it. He looked up at the ceiling and finally, finally let the tears he had been holding back the whole day stream down his face. He let out a frustrated yell, tearing the rest paper up and throwing them to the side.   
He cried, his sobs echoing back at him in the room. He brought a hand to his heart, clenching the fabric. It hurt. It hurt so, so much and- and he just wanted it to stop-!  
Almost desperately, he fumbled onto his feet and rushed to the drawer beside his bed, rummaging feverishly until he found it. A box of razors.   
Yamaguchi remembered how he had almost laughed when he bought it. It had been too easy to find. So easy to get his hands on.   
He opened the box and carefully took one out: a new one. Sharp, new, able to inflict enough pain to help him forget about what a horrible day it had been. To help him forget what a useless person he was, to make up for all the mistakes he made.   
His shirt was off almost instantly, the razor in his skin even faster.   
He cut, and cut, and cut until he was sure there wasn't any unmarked area on his stomach anymore. He leaned back against the drawer, breathing deeply and he laughed mockingly when he felt the cuts sting. He didn't cup deep enough to seriously injure himself, but to say they didn't hurt would be a lie. And yet... he didn't feel sated yet. His mind was still in a whirl, and he still so desperately wanted everything to stop.   
He brought the razor closer to himself and inspected it. He thought about bringing it to his wrist. It would be simple. He just had to dig it in deep enough to hit a vein, and then it would all be over.   
He could be free. He wouldn't have to feel useless during practices and he wouldn't have to deal with his own self-hatred. Tsukishima wouldn't have to deal with his whining and company and his parents wouldn't have to worry about how their child wasn't good enough.   
He wouldn't have to deal with this life anymore. He brought the razor to his wrist and could feel the cold blade against his skin, and then he stopped. If he bled to death, who knows how hard it would be to wash the blood out. If he was going to die... he would do it without inconveniencing others.   
He stood up and put on a dark hoodie, not even bothering to clean his cuts. He ignored the pain of fabric rubbing against his cuts as he grabbed his wallet and speedwalked towards the pharmacy.   
Just like the blades, the sleeping pills were so easy to get. The woman at the register barely glanced at him as he purchased a whole bottle, waving him off. Yamaguchi huffed.   
Even in the last few moments of his life, it looks like nobody would actually acknowledge him.   
The walk back to his house was slower, more purposeful than any before. He took in the sights around him, taking note of things that escaped his notice before.   
The way nighttime in Miyagi was so beautiful. The way couples were holding hands and walking down the road together even though it was late. The way those cats looked so much like how he visualised Nekoma's captain and setter to look like in cat form, the way that bird looked a lot like Hinata and Kageyama, chirping angrily at each other.   
For the sake of it, he greeted no one with a loud 'I'm back!' when he reached home. He laughed a little at himself. He really was pathetic. He climbed the stairs in what he hoped would be the last time, entering his room and sitting on his bed.   
Bottle of pills in hand and his bottled water beside him, he thought long and hard before picking up his phone.   
He might as well leave a message to everyone. He opened facebook, hesitated, before starting. 

'I'm sorry that I'm useless for the team.   
I'm sorry that I have all these freckles  
I'm sorry that you have to put up with my whining Tsukki...  
I'm sorry that I wasn't smart enough.   
I'm sorry I was useless for most things  
I'm sorry for what is going to happen...  
I love you Kei, I always have.   
Goodbye everyone, I had a great year'

He read through it a few times, scoffing lightly at himself when he read the third last line. He wasn't sorry for what was going to happen at all. Not one bit. He contemplated deleting the part about loving Tsukishima, but decided against it.   
He wanted Tsukishima to know about his feelings, even if it seemed selfish of him. He wanted Tsukishima to know that all the laughs, smiles and jokes he gave off when with him, they were as true as they were ever going to get.   
He took a deep breath, and pressed 'post'.   
He let it out, glad that the difficult part was over. He placed his phone beside him, and there is really no better way to describe this than... he began.   
He took them three pills at a time, each swallow easier than the other. He was at nine when his phone started flashing, messages from Tsukishima appearing. Curious, he looked through them, and sighed. So he had already seen the post, huh?  
He was about to reply when the phone started ringing. He stopped, and pulled away. He wasn't going to let Tsukishima hear him like this, with his hoarse voice and with scattered thoughts.   
He poured out another three, and swallowed again. He was on autopilot now, and he barely missed the facebook message that Tsukishima sent him, his first name 'Tadashi' was so... significant to him. Tsukishima only ever used it when he really wanted to get Yamaguchi's attention.   
He picked up the phone, reading the messages. 

'Are you okay?'  
'Tadashi what was that post about?'

Yamaguchi smiled despite himself and the fact that he could feel the pills taking effect. Tsukishima really did care about him, huh? It made Yamaguchi glad that Tsukishima didn't seem to hate him. It was a foolish thought, but Yamaguchi had still been afraid of it being true. 

'Gomen Tsukki' 

With that, he threw his phone to the side. He didn't bother when he saw it light up again, just kept swallowing, and swallowing and- there wasn't anymore. He stared in odd wonder at the empty bottle before tossing it aside. He laid down on the bed, sluggishly reaching for his phone and seeing the message Tsukishima sent. By this time, his phone was spammed with many messages from other people. 

'Tadashi? Talk to me'  
'Don't do anything. I'm coming over now'

Yamaguchi let out a laugh, shaking his head. He already did it. He exhaled giddily and read the other messages. 

'Yamaguchi, what is wrong?' Daichi. 

'Tadashi, what's going on?!' Suga. 

'Yamaguchi, are you okay?' Ennoshita, Narita and Kinoshita. 

'YAMAGUCHI ARE YOU OKAY????' Hinata. 

'Oi, are you... okay?' Kageyama. 

He smiled. It seems like they really did care about him. He vaguely wondered if Tanaka and Nishinoya would send him a message too, before remembering that their phone had gotten confiscated. Such idiots, he thought in an endearing manner.   
As for Asahi... Yamaguchi amused himself with the thought that he was too scared to ask if anything was wrong. It would certainly fit his personality.   
He startled slightly when he heard the front door slamming open, dropping his phone in the process. That would be Tsukishima.   
Yamaguchi knew he should be more scared of the situation but he was strangely calm, even though Tsukishima was going to walk-in on him while he was half dead, and not to mention that his suicide attempt would be a fail in the 'not bothering anyone' department. Regardless, he couldn't find it in himself to care. Must be the pills.   
"Tadashi!" Tsukishima yelled, bursting into his room. He quickly noticed Yamaguchi on the bed and exhaled in relief.   
"Thank god you're alright, what's with the-" And then he spotted the empty bottle on the floor, and Yamaguchi's out-of-it expression.   
"Fuck," he swore, quickly making his way to Yamaguchi, "Tadashi, what- shit."   
Yamaguchi let out a breathless laugh.   
"You should really... work on your vocabulary," he tried to joke, though the way he wheezed wasn't exactly fitting the purpose. He pouted a little, hating how he sounded like an old dying man. He was a young dying man, goddammit!   
"Shit-! Tadashi, I-!" Yamaguchi faintly registered that Tsukishima was not talking hurriedly into the phone, and he forced his hand to move and gently tugged on Tsukishima's sleeve.   
"Hey, Tsukki? I'm tired."   
"-what? No Tadashi, don't you dare slee- Sorry, yes, just get here as soon as you can." And then, Yamaguchi felt Tsukishima's hand holding his.   
"Okay Tadashi, don't you dare go to sleep. You can't sleep. You just have to hold out a bit longer, the ambulance will be here anytime-"  
"But I want to. Sleep, that is." Yamaguchi cut him off, and Tsukishima stilled. He knew what Yamaguchi meant.   
"W-why do you want to die?" He forced himself to ask. Yamaguchi hummed, blinking slowly and Tsukishima pinched him to make sure that he wouldn't fall asleep.   
"A lot of things...? I kind of already said it in my facebook post," Yamaguchi murmured. He felt Tsukishima's grip on his hand tightened, before his attention was taken away by soft lips on his. He startled a little, before realising that oh my god, Tsukishima was kissing him.   
"T-Tsukki?" He whispered weakly when Tsukishima pulled away, enjoying the feel of his best friend's hand on his cheek.   
"Tadashi, I love you too. I've loved you for so long. Please, don't sleep on me. I want to take you on dates, and hold you, and kiss you, and- Tadashi, you can't sleep, oi...!" Tsukishima yelled frantically, shaking Yamaguchi slightly.   
Yamaguchi opened his eyes once more, summoning all his energy to lift himself off the bed and place a kiss on Tsukishima's nose.   
"That makes me... happy."  
"Tadashi...? Tadashi!"  
And then everything went black. 

-

Tsukishima cursed, slamming his hand into the chair for the nth time in one hour. He heard heavy footsteps and looked up to see the whole team running towards them.   
"Tsukishima, how is he?!" Suga asked worriedly as they all stopped in front of them. Tsukishima looked away.  
"They are trying to help him. They've been at it for awhile," he choked out, and at once he felt Suga's arms around him.   
"He will be alright, Tsukishima. Yamaguchi is strong," Suga whispered, the rest of the team agreeing as they added themselves to the hug. Tsukishima tried to fight them back but soon, the sobs were leaving his mouth, and the arms around him were the only things keeping him up.   
"H-he was so pale a-and he passed out on me and I was so scared and- oh my god his stomach was full of cuts and there was blood- please don't let him die, please don't let him die, I haven't taken him out on dates and I haven't kissed him or hugged him enough or loved him enough, please don't-"  
"Shh," Ennoshita cooed, hugging Tsukishima tighter.   
"He will be alright," Daichi said.   
"He is Yamaguchi, after all!" Hinata said. Kageyama nodded stiffly to this, shifting awkwardly in the hug.   
Tsukishima could only hope they were right. 

-

"You can go see him now," the doctor said, and Tsukishima all but rushed into the room and while not minding that Yamaguchi was still unconscious, carefully got into the tiny bed and hugged the smaller boy to his chest. Tears of relief ran down his face as he nuzzled Yamaguchi's hair.   
Everything was alright. Yamaguchi was alive, he was alright, and everything was going to be fine. 

End.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Do leave kudos and a comment to let me know what you thought of the story! Hope you have a great day >


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